the speed of dark

This is some old fucking shit. From living in Ohio. I think I’m having an anxiety attack so I’m amusing myself with Cutandpaste. Be my friend on live journal.  There I am lornalux

Here it is, the old, but its all the same.

I honestly think everyone has given up
You are executing well but you have no place
To put the bodies.
The ground is frozen. You cannot bury yourself
Or anyone. The guards are laughing at you.
As for me, it’s a full moon and I’m going to roam
Around and keep my mouth shut. Be low key.
I’m not sure what that means but one of the
Conspirators told me that’s what I am. All I am.
I’m gonna get in good with them.
But if you keep carrying on with your game you’re
Gonna get trapped in a mean cycle.
I miss you but you go about things all wrong.
I’m not sure you’re even thinking at all.
Just losing yourself where no one can reach you.
Come out. You’re no murderer in your prime.

Today everyone ran out of the woods screaming.
Screaming for approval of their existence.
Screaming for a good rub down.
Back where there are no streets the basements
Fill with sewage and there is no breath big enough
No way to scream.
Imagine if the whole world were caught
In one moment screaming together at the top
Of lungs. It would be a celebration.
A roar to put the tide in the air and let those on the
Shore run frantic to save themselves in a
Mindless effort to stay alive. It is terrifying,
This scream. I’d take no part in it.
Get some fancy ear plus and shut them all out.
But I know you’d be out in the streets yelling
Your head off with the rest. I’ll shut my eyes
But my part is one with the conspirators.
Making them proud.

You are an outsider trying to get along. So awkward
And that’s why the girls fall for you. You appear easy.
But you’re not. So they’ll fall faster away form you than
You can comprehend, without any polite words of
Justification. They’ll rip through your nylons and realize
You aren’t under them. They’ll break the buttons of
Your shirt and you will sleep there. Perfectly wooden,
You are an odd ornament left out of the box.
That’s when the screaming should stop. But that’s how
It ends. You hear nothing as the women kiss your
Wrists. How do I know? Because in a way I am one
Of them. But only because I am curious and want to
Figure you out. See how hardened you have become.

I draw you in black and white from up in a tree.
This is a movie. I will not fall or impale my heart.
My hands will catch the limbs strong enough to
Keep suspension. Black and white lines keep me
In suspense. I keep you. Mid air and I’m about to
Fall. Flipping my head around. This is slow. This
Is mellow. I can’t keep my eyes open. This is you
After shooting up. A character in a movie. But no
One dies. I’ve produced it and viewed it and
Destroyed it. No one sees it. You never see it.
No one ever sees it.

I miss you longer than you are gone. Our time is
Different when we are separate. Not just by space
And not just because of where we are. But because
We are finding the moment without each other.
Even if it happens simultaneously there is no
Way for us to recognize it.
People walk by carrying letters, reading letters,
Empty-handed. When will you write for me?
When will you have not forgotten me?

Fetal. Wide. Lets smoke out the window cuz
We can’t sleep. Come here baby and we’ll share.
What is love? Something you’d like to do.
It’s a new lover each weekend. You write the same
Poetry for every stranger. Thinking things are different
This time.

I can’t let you out. I just lean on my arms and wait
For you, occasionally. I’ve got these songs on repeat.
I play the C and the G. The boys don’t want me
Because they don’t get erections without the
Masquerade. I wish that was more of a lie than it is.
I wish you’d just wear your normal face and stop
Wearing yourself out.

Will you ever kiss me in the moment? Or make
The connection reading this that I am writing to
You. You accept the affectionate but reject the
Sensual. If I were to say to you, “I am ugly,”
You would be annoyed.

How my skin feels for you doesn’t concern me.
So today on another false anticipation I picked
Out the bloodiest pair of underwaer I had and
Put them on hping these are what I will be
Found in.
I want to be the most human of your life. I will not
Compete with your naked fairy who has never before
Experienced the grand let down of the cock inside
Of her. Friendship isn’t when you hold my hands
When the coast is clear, when your companions sleep,
When it is so dark no one can see us.
It is a secret even to us. So you forgot about it.

As a child there was a man who invested some time
Into me. Named me Summer like my sister and
Ran me through rows of corn. Later on I wrote
Of him. A story. You contradict me when speak of
Him. Here it stops, with me.
As a child I spent many hours making up personalities.
I was an actress and my mother says, the only sane
One in the family. Everyone else rolled around
On the floor like madmen, or carried on lengthy
Conversations with Jesus, or tossed us into the
Air like footballs.
I’ve narrowed myself into two people. You are one.
And I am one. We’ve met before. Traded off for
Some time. So here I am. Moody. Sleepless.
Interested in the conspiracy and how I can get you
Out alive.

My lips my gums my tongue are numb.
You could drill my teeth. You could hit me.
Beat me with a fishing rod and call it fishing.
Beat me with a rolling pin and call it cooking.
Beat me with your fists and call it defense or
Love or art. Protect yourself and
I’ll believe you.

Our noses cold and the tips are touching.
It is only obvious how we got here but I still
Wonder about the moments before.
I think you are shaking. Why?
Our hair and nails just keep growing and
Breaking, splitting and cracking. There really
Is no going back. We bought needles from
Rockville today. We kiss each other now.
Or, we did once. We have until midnight.
Oatmeal flavored tea and scratchy voices
Before I lost mine.

Carry on. Show all with body language.
Feel stupid about the way things have gone
And try to act natural. Acting natural.
See how close you can get.
Kiss each other off the needle.

All life, to you, is lost in this. First,
Your memory. Do you write a letter of
Apology. Not about the way things are.
But because every part of what you think
Is real for one moment and then false.

You wanted to wake up in your own bed
For Christmas. I don’t believe in Christmas.
We feel. We should talk. But we always talk.

Crickets whisper. No one says outloud its illegal
But the trucks are passing me in the left lane.
The hot ash falling on my hands burning me
Above the knee. I wait ten minutes before I
Announce, “we are eleven-fifteenths of the
Way home.” Home is Ohio now, when we’re
In no where. Alone on the highways, lit like
The day.

There is no re-entry into Lover. These sweet names
And ginger hills across the upper continent. What
Has died on the way to Ohio? The wind.
It has been only the wind. Here we are. I am again.
Knowing desire cannot be mechanical I cannot
Boil my love into a machine, when you are too
Kind to say, this isn’t human any more.

I have this pile of pictures next to my bed.
This is where I try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow
I’ll find a way for you, a space for you.
That’s what I dreamt of driving and driving.
Opposite directions. While passing the embryos
Of commerce lined up, circled with orange lights
Signaling, we’re still alive. Well, our hearts are
Anyways. Moving on to destinations unknown.
I will not hallucinate by I’ll forget. That’s the
Nature of it. That’s something not to hold onto

i am running a bath. i don’t post on friendster anymore. but last night i’ll confess: i got out my old high school year book and looked people up on friendster. because i couldn’t sleep, and more because it was hilarious. some people got BUFF man. i was shocked. and some people i even wrote to.  and then i wondered how many of them are dead.  in one of my yearbooks kristen totally told me off.  it would be funny if she were still around.  yup.  well, i’m flying back to chicago this afternoon, and then i don’t know what. more of the same, i suppose.  check out my livejournal if you’re into that type of thing, and lets be friends through that.